Breaking the Chains
by Christina5
Summary: His past a blur, Trowa can only guess at what happened before he lost his memory.


Breaking the Chains  
By Chichi  
This fic takes place when Trowa lost his memory but separates from the series then. I have pretty much twisted the plot to make it fit my fic~ In many of Trowa's flashbacks he remembers things I made up~ And some of the times I pulled from their regular place in the timeline and pretended they happened before Trowa's loss of memory~ Remember to pay extra careful attention to dream sequence and what the character is saying in between. Pay attention to the quotation marks etc!~ Otherwise it might get confusing  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the words. Don't sue me because I own no $$.  
Warnings: LEMON, 1x3 ^.^ And please don't get confused   
  
Italics: means flashback/ dream sequence.   
  
Thump. Thump. Thump. Each knife struck the board behind me in the exact location practiced before. Again and again. The crowd applauds. The knives are pulled out. Catherine smiles and we walk behind the stage. Is this routine life all I have? I change out of my costume. This wall seems to be blocking my memory; nothing of the past is recorded there. As if I died and started anew. But I feel like this is not my life, now what I'm destined to be, not what I was. Catherine may be my sister, I don't know, but she is hiding something from me. She protects me too much and I can tell there is something I don't know. Already two people have come who I don't know and Catherine sent them away. I slightly remember the blond but the braided one sparked nothing at all. Even though the blond gives me some remembrance, I only know he was part of my past and nothing more.  
  
"You were great out there Trowa," Catherine's voice told me.  
  
I nod at her and continue to change. I cannot be hostile to her; I would trust my life in her hands. She may think I don't care about my life, that I don't value it, but that is not true. The only reason I volunteered to become her "doll" was because of my trust. She is saddened when she thinks about my past. I can tell when she stares at me long enough her face changed and once or twice when I caught her she had tears in her eye. But she never talks about I and I'll never ask, even though I hate not knowing. "Trowa what's wrong? I know I threw the knives a little close today but I would never hit you."  
  
"Your accuracy was perfect." How come she asks me that every time I think about my past? Or in particular a person of my past. My thoughts drifted once again to someone, some boy I had cared for dearly. Someone without a name, without a fear. I remember wanting him and I got so close too. Who was it? The dark eyes pools of endless water stare at me in my mind but I cannot see anything else. Those eyes held so much knowledge, so much life, so much death.  
  
"Are you sure you're okay Trowa?" Catherine is being unusually persistent today.  
  
I nod my head again in response, without looking at her. I finish changing, putting my half mask into its case. "Trowa tell me what's the matter." I stare hard and deep into Catherine's eyes. They're so different from his. His are mysterious; hers are upfront and truthful. I cast my eyes to the floor and leave. This boy, his absence from my life is hurting me. And unknown hole that I don't know where is open and I feel myself flow out of it. Catherine must know who it is but she's hiding it. Was he an enemy? No, I wouldn't feel this way for an enemy whom I can't even remember. Maybe a past lover who hurt me? Perhaps betrayed me? That cant be it either, I've never been in a real relationship before. I somehow know for certain that I have been after this boy forever, he was the center of my life. But I was too unsure to do anything. Who was it? My mind rages like a chained animal, not quite breaking the chains that restrain it. I walk over to the lion. He purrs his contentment as I pet him. He too only knows this life; does he wish for more?   
  
"Trowa, are you hiding something from me?" Catherine asks, having come out of the trailer. "You can tell anything you want to me."  
  
"It's nothing," I say looking into her saddening eyes and walk away. Of the late my mind cannot seem to focus on a different subject and because of it I walk around in a daze. Can Catherine tell? I sincerely hope not, I would not wish to burden her with anything.  
  
I shut the door to my private trailer, relaxing. I climb into the bed and close my eyes. The silence, once my friend, oppresses me, leaving me to my own thoughts. The thoughts I desire to end for it has seemingly become impossible to actually remember them. In order to end the ceaseless tirade of thoughts I turn on the TV, willing it to stop the thoughts. Instead it only increased the frustration of having no memory.  
  
I flipped the channels. We only received news channels and they all seemed to be broadcasting the same thing. Some sort of general board meetings. There's that girl again. Relena Peacecraft. I've watched her talk about pacifism before. Her ideals are good but so hard to maintain, let alone bring about. I feel hostile towards her, a reason I know not of. Must have been something pertaining to the past, again I strain but cannot break the chains. Everyone is clapping for her and I can tell Relena will become a big influence in the future. She walks off and her eyes alight on something, someone in the balcony. I too look up there on the screen. I see a flash of movement. The figure moves off the screen, but not before I catch a glimpse of a green tanktop. Everything else is too dark to see and I feel as if I imagine the brown mussed hair. My reasoning takes over. Who would dress up like that to go to an official meeting? The green tanktop seems oddly familiar though. Was I a part of Relena's political party before? If I was how come I haven't felt any recognition towards Relena at all? Too many questions I feel like asking. No answers. I flip the channel. The reporter is talking.  
  
"Who is that mysterious boy you ask? (picture focuses in on rather blurry figure up in the balcony) According to resources he is in fact a gundam pilot!" Gundam? Why do I see pictures of red and orange? And blue? _Blue surrounds me when a blast hits. What a beautiful scene. The stars spread for an eternity when I gazed out the hole in my gundam_ The quick flashback ends, leaving me all the more confused. "We have recently received information that this pilot is the pilot of gundam 01, currently a picture is unavailable of the pilot himself but (pictures of gundam 01 plash by) his gundam became one of the most dangerous of the 5. Currently it is missing. He was known to pilot the Mercurius mobile suit during his captivity, alongside the Vayeate, piloted by Trowa Barton (picture of both suits appear on screen)" That suit. Those suits. My name. The Vayeate. So that's the suit I was in. It's all so overwhelming! "Trowa Barton also seems to have disappeared. We now take you to Andre Signova up at the OZ base where pilot 01 was held. Andre? (screen switches over to Andre on the OZ base)" "Hello! Well we've just received some pictures on pilot 01. They are rather blurry and hard to make out but it's better than nothing(camera focuses in on distorted pictures of pilot 01) According to the files we've got here his name is Heero Yuy." The rest of what the reporter said was drowned out from my ears. The pictures flashed by were very bad, but they still displayed the boy. The boy with the eyes. I stare at the pictures without relenting, even when Catherine bursts into my trailer demanding for me to turn off the television. I guess she realized that they were showing something, something she wanted to keep from me. But it's too late now. Heero Yuy, must have been his name. Screeching sounds rain down in my mind of whose I could not remember.[1] Catherine is talking to me but I can't tell what she is saying. I can't seem to focus on anything. Heero Yuy, only that name repeats itself through my head. Who was he? Who is he? Catherine leaves after saying one final thing. "I'm sorry. I was only looking out for you."  
  
The next day we perform again. Nothing plagues my mind more than that set of eyes. I cannot erase the vision. It comes back to me over and over as if I'm living a nightmare only its not scary, but like a fantasy. I cannot focus and when I was doing my routine with the lion I had to stop early, my shaking becoming unbearable. I never got stage fright before.  
  
"Trowa are you sure you can do the knife trick?" Catherine looks at me with worry. She must know why I'm so preoccupied, she must. "Yes. I can do it." I would never try to let Catherine down. I would not allow for a small problem with my past to stop me from doing my best.   
  
I position myself and the crowd applauds. Catherine comes out, holding her knifes. She throws. Thump. _Trowa you'll have to get out of there before it explodes," a deep voice came over my intercom. The starts their so beautiful. _Thump. _A picture appears on my screen. Those eyes._ Thump. _"Trowa if you want to live move." The pictures mouth moves and through my ability to detect the most minute details I notice that his eyes change and the slight trip in the voice alerts me of the concern from the owner. It motivates me to move. To live._ "Trowa! Are you okay?" Catherine yells. Her voice jerks me to reality as my half mask cracks and falls off. Cathering had hit the mask with her knives, directly in the center. Catherine handles my head in her hands. "Trowa, why'd you move?"  
  
I look up into her eyes. I remain expressionless, but I see the terror she felt just before. My sight travels to the audience. They are on their tiptoes anxiously waiting to see how I am. Suddenly I freeze. There. There are the eyes. The beautiful deep blue. They stare intensely at me, unrelenting. But I dare not look away, for those eyes might disappear and my link to the past along with it. I fell in love with those eyes once. A time before.  
  
They blink and move, go away. No wait. I lurch up, Catherine gasping. The crowd can see I am okay, and breathe their own sigh of relief. A power grasps me and I leave, heading in the direction I thought those eyes left. Which way? I head off towards my left, when Catherine calls me. "Trowa! Where are you going? I have to talk to you!"   
  
I cannot ignore her so turn around. "What?"   
  
"Trowa what's bothering you? And I won't take nothing as an answer." When my response didn't come Catherine continued. "I could have killed you out there. Trowa, please tell me."  
  
"Do you really want to know?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
"I want to know about my past. What was it like?"  
  
Catherine's face changed. "Why do you want to know that?"  
  
"It's my life. I'm not happy, Catherine. This life, I just feel like there was more. When did I last laugh Catherine? I miss it. But I don't remember it."  
  
Resolution makes Catherine stand taller. "I'll find him." She sighs. "I was trying to protect you but I can no longer do that without hurting you. Just promise me one thing." I nod. "Once you remember don't ever, ever, take you life for not reason. I care for you." Then she whispered so lightly, "He cares for you."  
  
***  
I walked to my trailer. I have to be alone, to think. My inner turmoil has reached its peak. Who is this Heero Yuy? A ruthless efficient killer with no emotion. None at all. That's who he is. The channels only report on him now. Ever since that incident at the official meeting Heero has become rather famous. But Relena doesn't seem bothered at all. And he was the one stalking around in the balcony. I don't understand if he really cared about me wouldn't he find me, search me out? And if those eyes in the audience today were his then why did they run away? Why didn't they stay? Maybe Heero Yuy isn't the person I remember. Maybe it's a different person. But who else would have those same deep eyes, who else has appeared in my recent flashbacks? Confusion is the only thing I know right now. I fall asleep from fatigue due to my self-inflicted harassments.  
  
_(Dream) Click. Click. Click. Heavyarms has run out of bullets again. Another gundam sweeps by destroying the mobile suits in front of me. Screams of zero one echo through my head. He came. The scene shifts and I am walking towards the figure, a ghost figure with striking eyes. It turns and runs away.  
  
No wait! I jump into the air spin and land in front of it. Only it's no longer there. Instead the television is talking. "He's cold and ruthless. Our records read that he was trained as a youth to be a soldier and is incapable of feeling." That's not true. He cares for me. I punch the TV. "Oof." I look up. I didn't punch the TV I punched Heero. A look of betrayal and his eyes harden to the icicles of coldness. He glares, turns, and runs. I am alone. No I'm not. I'm surrounded. By people too close yet too far. Faces all in the fog they ask me do I remember them. Who are you? Who are you? Have I fallen victim to the insanity too.?" (End Dream)_  
  
I sit up suddenly awake. What? A tapping on the door pulls my attention to it. Cautiously I go and open the door. Catherine's hopeful eyes meet mine. "I'm sorry for bothering you so late Trowa but Heero had no other time in his rather busy life. I thought the sooner you met, or remet, the better." She steps aside and there is Heero Yuy. It's finally the boy who has been haunting my dreams, and all I say is, "Hello."  
  
"Good morning Trowa." He looks at me warily, a carefully melded mask on his face. It appears that Heero has gingerly constructed it so his eyes show no emotion.  
  
Catherine leaves us to ourselves. A sad smile on her face. "Don't grow too far away Trowa. This is your home." Once she leaves I am uncertain what to say to Heero now. There is nothing I can remember!  
  
"Why don't you come in?" I ask inviting him in. He walks into my small trailer and sits on the floor.  
  
"Do you remember me?" A plainly stated question, I can tell Heero must not jump around things.  
  
"No. I was hoping you would help me." I sit atop my bed and look down at him as he carefully surveys the room. He's exactly how I remember him in my dreams. "Were you there today in the circus?" "Yes." Heero says without looking at me. "I have been to several of you acts. They are good."  
  
He's been to see me? "I'm certain you are the one person I can remember from my past. Tell me who was I?"  
  
"A gundam pilot."  
  
_"Gundam 03 is here! Run for your life!"_ "Did I did I pilot a blue suit?"  
  
"Yes called the Vayeate. When you were impersonating an OZ soldier. We were assigned to pilot them."  
  
_"He has the best combat skills! They could match the gundams themselves!"_ "Why'd I do that? Didn't the others think I was a traitor?"  
  
He stares at me as intensely as in my dreams. "I never thought that way." _"traitor!" Duo hissed. Wufei screamed, "Kisama!" trying to get at me through his bonds. Heero sits in the corner listening. He's the only one who understands._  
  
I look down. "Thank you." We pause with nothing to say. He's examining my trailer and I stare at him. How come I remember this face and not the others? Not the others who's voices come to me. Heero must make up more of my memories than the others do. "It's getting late. We can talk tomorrow." Heero abruptly gets up and leaves. Wait! I don't want him to leave, but I know can't change his mind. Heero sees through thingslike me. _He destroyed a colony. We should be careful." Heero knew Quatre was the enemy. _I relax in bed again. I remember now. _"He's on another mission?" "Yes Trowa. He went out, came back last night and then went back out." "When is he coming back?" "I don't know. I don't monitor him."_ I visualize every time he went out. I was so concerned. So that means I love him? _"Trowa be careful." Heero said with concern. "I'll be back." I say and go_ And he loves me? _"Don't over do it Trowa." _We _Heero, watch out_ Love each other? _"NO!" Heero's gundam explodes and I am too late, too late to stop him, too late to save him. He flies through the air and lands in a puddle of his own blood. I push myself into an emotionless void and pick him up with Heavyarms. At least he can be buried by me_ He did I manage to overlook such an obvious think? _"Be careful Heero. Don't forget to upload the files so we don't get caught." Heero continues to type furiously. "If we pay too much attention to little details we might miss the big problem." Suddenly a beeping sound comes through and the computer explodes._ We gave each other such obvious signals, mine as unknowingly as his. _"Watch out Trowa." "I will."_ Does he realize it? Does he know? _Relena_ A vision of Relena passes my mind, and doubt rushes through me. Heero why didn't you come back for me? Why didn't you if you loved me come? Why did you leave me? The onslaught of memories stops. It is too much for one day and I fall into a deep slumber.  
  
I wake in the morning it is past dawn, an unusually late time for me to get up. Today our circus is relocating so I must pack and tend to the animals. When I walk out of the tent Catherine is looking at me. I suppose she is wondering how much I remember. Not enough. It will never be enough until I find out how much Heero has affected my life, my past and me now. _Heero looks around wildly. "Get away from me!" He yells_ "So Trowa. Did Heero help you?" Catherine inquires. _I'll never leave you. "Heero calm down! Stop!" I quickly move to restrain Heero although I know he is stronger than me_ "Enough. Where is he now?" _How come you stay? Go! I'll kill you!" "Heero we can't afford to lose you. Calm yourself."_ "I think he's back at the hide away." _"Trowa, I will never rid myself of the blood. I cannot run away fast enough. Why do you stay with me?"_ "Catherine have you kept in touch with Heero?" _"Why? Just go! Leave me. Why are you still here?" "I- I don't know." _Catherine sighs. "Trowa, he kept in touch with me. When he first came to visit you I stopped him from coming in. I was only protecting you. He understood too. Since then he has contacted me time to time seeing how you are. Trowa please forgive me."  
  
"I forgive you." I murmur. No wonder Heero never came to me before. Catherine kept him away. Heero I wish you could help me remember. "Where is his hide away?"   
  
"Over there." Catherine pointed to a shack, just across the river. "But Trowa, are you sure you want to go there now? We're leaving soon."  
  
"This is my only chance. Are you suggesting I give it up?" "No. I'll take over your duties today. Go Trowa, catch up with your dreams."  
  
***  
I knocked on the door. A sleepy figure opened it. Surprise chased away the sleep and happiness highlighted the golden face. "Trowa! You-you remember?"  
  
"Your name is?"  
  
Disappointment clouded his face but nonetheless his joy at my presence was evident. "Quatre, come in please. I assume you're here to see Heero?"  
  
"Yes, I was told to come here to visit him. Is he here?"  
  
"He was. He left this morning on a mission though." _The incessant typing ceased. "I'm going out," Heero said _Sadness at a wasted visit hit me. Will I ever see Heero again? I should go back to my circus, to help Catherine but I am reluctant to leave. This house, this life, these people. They all seem so right to me. Two more people walk into the room. One I recognize as Duo. The other is someone I cannot remember.  
  
"Hi Trowa!" Duo said.  
  
"Good morning. And you are?"  
  
"Wufei." _Shenlong_ _Injustice!_ A series of visions pass my mind. He is another from my past.  
  
"Trowa do you remember us?" Quatre asked.  
  
"Yes." _A whispered voice, heavy with the recent killing its owner just made, came on my intercom "I'm sorry" _"Quatre I do not hold it against you. We all need room for mistakes."_Heero whispered in his sleep, "We all make mistakes. It's not- not my fault. I didn't mean to kill them!" _  
  
"You remember?" Quatre was surprised but he quickly smiled. "Thank you Trowa."  
  
"When do you expect Heero back?" I have to get back. My need to stay is becoming more urgent as my stay grows longer and if I should go back to Catherine I must go now.  
  
"I don't know. He always leaves like this." Duo said.  
  
"He should be back tonight." Wufei said.  
  
My despair was suddenly overwhelming. I must get out of here. Heero's not here, I have to go back. "Tell him I came." I leave without another word.  
  
***  
Upon arriving back at the main tent I was more withdrawn than ever. Catherine looked at me with concern. "How did it go Trowa?" "He wasn't there." I reply. I had a feeling of finality, that I would never see Heero again. "He is out on a mission." We continued to pack. I felt my eyes lingering back at the house. I found myself wondering what it was like. How did I used to live? Why do I feel like I'm meant to be there?  
  
"Trowa" Catherine had caught me looking at the house. "Go back. Go live with them. You'll be happier. I want you to be." A sense of release moves through me, the circus is no longed my home. I'm free to go. "Just remember to visit me and don't ever, ever kill yourself." Tears appear in Catherine's eyes a light sheen of wetness. "Remember me Trowa."  
  
"I won't ever forget." Catherine hugs me handing me my belongings.  
  
"Go before I change my mind." She orders smiling.  
  
"Good bye" I turn and head off towards the house. I'll see you again Catherine.  
  
"Good by Trowa. Follow your dreams. Follow your heart."  
  
***  
I arrived at the rundown house yet again. Before I could knock the door, it opens to a smiling Quatre, brilliant with joy. He hugged me and I smiled back at him. Quatre brought me into the house. Duo and Wufei were smiling as well, welcoming me. I'm back home. This is the life I had.  
  
"Trowa, I'm so glad you decided to come back." Quatre said.  
  
"I've come to stay." I place my meager belongings on the table. "Here I'll show you to a room. We don't have enough who would you like to share with?" Duo's eye glinted. "Heero?"  
  
"That would be fine."  
  
"I'm sure he wouldn't mind." Wufei said with an emphasis that indicated he knew something I didn't.  
  
Duo took me upstairs into Heero's room. It was neat is if he never stayed there, never even lived in here. _"He's gone again?" Duo whined. "What a waste of a perfectly good room. You're so lucky Trowa! Getting a room all to yourself." _"There's an extra bed. Lemme just help you set up." Duo pointed to the only bed.  
  
"There's only one bed Duo."  
  
"You think I didn't know that? Look, Heero doesn't usually sleep here anyway. It's basically like you've got the room all to yourself. He's either away on some mission or typing all night preparing for a mission. It was pretty surprising he took time to visit you yesterday night but then he's always done things for people he cares about." What is Duo getting at? I just unpacked my belongings, ignoring what he said. "But then by the way you react to everything you either already know or you've no idea." He paused and waited, to see which I am. I already know, I think. The doubts that plague my mind are becoming more by the minute and so I cannot help but ignore Duo here too. "You're just like Heero. I try to make conversation but yeah, go ahead, just ignore me. But you do know when Heero came back last night he spent the rest of the night just typing. I've the room next door. It happens to be incredibly annoying. I do wish he let me go on his mission today, you know he didn't get any sleep last night? But then again he's supposed to be the perfect soldier _"Even Heero makes mistakes!" Duo yelled at us furiously. _But he's really just like us, same abilities ne? _"Don't you think that if you are the one with the superior training that you could do it by yourself? Why do I have to come?" Duo whined. _  
  
"You're contradicting yourself Duo. You used to say the exact opposite."  
  
I glance at Duo, his eyes widened then narrowed. "If you're going to remember stuff tell me before you do! Do you remember when you punched me?"  
  
"No, but I am right to assume I have?" I return to fitting my belongings around the room. Heero definitely did not spend much time here. Although the whole house was run down Heero's room looked new. It even appeared as if Heero had even fewer things than I did. Other than the laptop, his clothes and some soaps the room was empty.  
  
"Go right on ahead and remember all the stuff I told you, but never the stuff you did to me. I'm used to it. You and Heero would get along just great." Duo paused and then said, "Wait that means you listened to what I said?" He cracks a smile. "So maybe Heero listened to me too!"  
  
"Duo stop bothering Trowa, you're giving him a bad first impression." Quatre walked in, to see how I was doing.  
  
"Oh no, he already has an impression." Duo looked at the clock, jumped and ran out of the room, probably to go downstairs judging by what he called out. "Wufei! Leave me room on the couch! And some of the food you pig!"   
  
And a voice echoed back, "Who are you calling a pig woman? Look at yourself!"  
  
Sounds of brawl broke out which was silenced by Quatre. "Stop it! You're missing the football game either way if you fight!"   
  
"I'm recording it!" Wufei yelled before the sounds began anew.  
  
Sighing Quatre closed the door. "So Trowa what made you stay?"  
  
I talk about the past year of my life with Catherine and the circus, it feels right to be talking to Quatre about this. It's like I have an old connection to him. Quatre looks understanding and murmurs, "No wonder."  
  
"What?" I ask.  
  
"Heero went to meet you once. When he came back, and there after, he changed. I think he became lonely. He seemed to withdraw from us all. Even Duo couldn't reach Heero. We all wondered what happened. So I see now. It's pretty hard for someone to love another yet the other cannot even remember about him. You never saw him for the past year?"  
  
"Only in my dreams." I stand up I had finished unpacking my things so Quatre and I go downstairs. Duo and Wufei are sitting side by side eagerly eating out of the popcorn bowl.  
  
"Injustice!" Wufei suddenly yelled as the crowd on the television cheered.  
  
"Hahaha," Duo laughed. "You're supposed to slam into another played in this game."  
  
"Wufei don't get too involved with the game before you don't actually know how to play." Quatre smiled and went into the kitchen.  
  
"What is it about?" I ask.  
  
"Well there are two sides and a ball," Wufei started.  
  
"He doesn't even get the game. Lemme explain." Duo too started but was interrupted.  
  
The football game disappeared replaced by pictures of a battle. A voice came on, as scenes of the all too recent battle flashed by. "Today at the military base near colony L9 a gundam attacked. We are uncertain as to where the gundam pilot is right now but the wounded are being taken to the hospital. If you have a relation on or near this base please check to see if he/she has been wounded. Whom ever is not identified will be assumed as the pilot and executed immediately." The flashing pictures changed to that of the gundam. The gundam I know as gundam 01. "The good news is that this gundam is no longer a threat. In the intense battle today Gundam 01 was surrounded and forced to self destruct." Said the voice as gundam 01 blew up on the screen. _"Mission accepted." Heero stood on his gundam, pressing the small device that triggered the explosion. _"We are certain he is still alive and one of the survivors we've picked up." Visuals of the wounded being loaded on ambulances appear on the screen. Many medics rush around one soldier, or rather the dying gundam pilot, Heero Yuy. _He's still alive? I notice as I take him from Heavyarms. He may be still alive but dying fast. I can't let him die. An odd attachment to this pilot has formed inside me. His bravery shall not be overlooked. The least I can do is try to save him _"We have several gravely injured persons but much to this bases surprise under 20 deaths from the explosion." In the background the medics bandage Heero, a failing attempt at stanching the blood flow. _I pull off the ragged shirt. My breath comes fast for one so usually calm. Heero's beautiful body is shattered and something inside of me pained as well. It's such a shame to see Heero like this. It reminds me of my own weaknesses in life and for him. I carefully wrap the bandages around his torso handling him as you would an injured bird. He's lost so much blood, but there is nothing I can do but wait. _"This is Sache Machanda reminding you to please identify the soldiers. Thank you and you may now return to you're regular programming. _Heero's stomach rumbles. I pick up some mashed food, feeding it to Heero. I must force it down his throat. He is now in stable condition, but should still rest. While he rests I am willing to take care of him. More than willing. His life is in my hands, and although he does not realize it, my life in his. If I wish to survive I must help Heero do the same. _  
  
"Kuso." Duo cursed. "How does Heero manage to get on TV so much?"   
  
I'm sure he would gladly switch places with you right now." Wufei pointed out.  
  
"We better go find him." Quatre said coming back from the kitchen.  
  
"Quatre's right," I announce. "The longer Heero's with them the more danger we all are in."  
  
"True," Duo said thoughtfully. "They might recognize Heero, since he's had his sudden spurt of popularity."  
  
Heero The graveness of the situation had just hit me. He is dying right now, he is losing blood as I think. Bitterness overtakes me. All that trouble of keeping him alive _I feed Heero again. It's not become a routine, an obligation yet. I enjoy feeding him then staring at the peaceful face. Beautiful. _All that watching, waiting. _I sit by his bed all night long. "Trowa go to bed, you're ruining your health!" Catherine said. _And he just self-destructs? But it's not his fault. He was surrounded. Now I'll never see him again. I should have been there for him. Should have. There are so many should haves, could haves, not enough have dones.  
  
We leave for the colony L9 very near the colony we currently are on. Worry courses through me, the possibility of death overwhelming me. Why didn't I remember sooner? As soon as his life ends so mine shall as well. There is no point with out Heero. I think I finally understand enough about my background, my past. Heero was meant for me, and I was meant for him.  
  
"Trowa stop worrying," Quatre assures me. "Heero will be okay."  
  
"How can you know." I state, not asking, not wanting an answer.  
  
"Heero loves life. You notice how so few people got killed? He sacrificed his life for theirs, the civilians." Quatre sighs and turned to look out the space ports window. "He does everything for a reason. Everything has a purpose to him."  
  
"But doesn't he care for his own life?" I question. I certainly did.  
  
"He does. But he values the civilians' lives more than his. I think Heero's lost sight of his purpose. I think he lost sight when you lost your memory"  
  
I stay silent and Quatre moves away. We board the space shuttle and Duo sits next to me. Wufei and Quatre behind. As the shuttle takes off I feel queasy, the worry disrupting my stomach.  
  
"Hey, just get your mind off it for a while. If your REMEMBER Heero's survived plenty of these situations."  
  
"As soon as you get your mind off I shall as well."  
  
"Fine. Fine I'll shut up."  
  
We are quite a bit until I say, "Did Heero confide in you?"  
  
"I like to think that way."  
  
"Why did Heero leave so fast last night?"  
  
"Mainly because he had to prepare for this mission. Its purpose was to sneak in and out grabbing some files and then blowing up the base. It should have been assigned to me but the blowing up bit automatically gave it to Heero."  
  
"You said mainly. What is the other part?"  
  
Duo shifted uncomfortably. "Well Heero has become scared of you. He doesn't want to be hurt anymore." Duo smiled. "But anyway so you ready to"  
  
"Duo, don't try to switch the subject." I give him a warning look. "How have I hurt Heero?" I really need to know this. I never did it intentionally, so perhaps unintentionally?  
  
"You couldn't remember. And you should have seen him" Duo suddenly became furious. "He would always lie to himself, "Trowa this, Trowa that. It sickened me how many excuses a realistic boy could make up about how you couldn't remember him. It really hurt me too."  
  
Duo's yelling only served to make my voice softer. However in some when softness means meekness it is quite the contrary for me. Duo knows too, for he backs off. My soft tone indicates danger to him. "I did not know, that this was happening. You cannot blame me. But I did remember him. Everyday at least once I would think of him. You would not understand the frustrations I had as well." Duo stares at me unabashed. I guess he did not expect such a sudden outburst from me. With that over I ask another question that bothers me. "What does Heero feel for Relena?"  
  
"Nothing." Duo looks out the window, avoiding eye contact.  
  
"Then why do I feel a sort of bitterness to her?" I prodded.  
  
"You tell me."  
  
"Duo, please answer me."  
  
"Relena and Heero are just friends. Relena usually calls him away when he's not busy with missions. He's had more missions since you were unable to perform them. Maybe that's why you don't like her."  
  
"Why wouldn't you tell me then?" He's hiding something, like Catherine.  
  
"Because" Duo realized he cant trick me, so looks down. "It's not important."  
  
"You can tell me," I assure him.  
  
He turns to eyes me as if looking for something. "I thought we were talking about Heero, not me."  
  
"You're right, we were."  
  
Duo sighs. "You see we all know you and Heero love each other. You two just don't know it or something. But I love Heero too." I look shocked. This can't be. Duo looks at me and laughs. "Not the way you're thinking. I love him like a brother. But it doesn't appear like he thinks the same for me. I mean, he's always of somewhere and never talks to me, usually with Relena. I guess that s life with Heero ne?" Duo chuckles to himself. "And you blame Relena?"  
  
"Yeah. And you. I blamed you but got over it. Now I've got to get over the Heero/Relena thing."  
  
A feeling washes over me. "Heero thinks of you like a brother too. There's no need to feel jealous."  
  
Duo and I talked until the shuttle arrived at the gate. I feel as if I come off the spaceship knowing more about Duo then I ever have. Those violet eyes hold more than they let on, but are carefully hidden.  
  
"Are you here to see the soldiers?" A man asks us.  
  
"Yeah, which way is it to the hospital?" Quatre asks.  
  
***  
We are immediately led to the hospital ward. In each room another broken figure lays. They have merely cuts and bruises but because they were part of the battle the must be retained until the gundam pilot is identified. But Heero will not be identified as the pilot. He will be identifies as Tomoyuki, one of the people who Wufei and Quatre are certain died. They had looked it up on the OZ database on the space shuttle here. There he is.  
  
My own inner ache jumps with vigor. Heero lay with so many machines surrounding him all bigger than he is himself. This situation shows how small Heero is, how fragile all life is. So this is how we will all end up. "This is Tomoyuki." Wufei announced to the short, stout doctor with us.  
  
"He's expected to be unconscious for the next two months. _"How badly do you think he's hurt?" Catherine asked when I woke up. "I estimate 2-3 months." "You're not going to stay up all day and night to watch him. He's not going to run away over night." _He was probably the one who was closest to other explosion or in the explosion." The doctor pulled out a gun and pointed it at us. "Don't move."  
  
"So you're accusing us of lying about who this is?" I ask softly. "Well you're right."  
  
"Kisama!" Wufei hissed at the man. He jumped up and kicked the gun out of his hand. "You do not point guns at trained soldiers. A lesson you should learn."  
  
Duo pulled out his own gun, "You see you should be more careful around us. Now give Heero to us."  
  
"But he'll die if I unhook those machines."  
  
"And you'll die if you don't." Duo threatened.  
  
"Let me check those machines." I calmly walk into the room, although my pulse is racing at seeing Heero once again. Quatre follows me in.  
  
"Is it really that bad?" Quatre whispered to me. Something about the room affected us, something like the graveness of Heero's situation.  
  
I check Heero's pulse. It always amazes me how incredibly human he is, after my first impression of his seemingly mechanical actions. The pulse is slow and faint. _Heero stops breathing while he is sleeping in my bed. The total silence awakens me from me uncomfortable slumber on the chair. I scramble up checking for his pulse when no ragged breath forces itself out. He's dead? _"Heero is stable. He should be able to handle a move without much trouble _What should I do? Adrenaline pumps into my veins. He cannot die now. Not after all that effort I put in! Not now! _In fact most of these machines are unnecessary. Even though Heero was hurt very badly he is recovering." _The already faint pulse is disappearing. Desperation drives me. I lean down and force air into his lungs. Please, please let this work _"Okay." Quarter walks back outside with me. "Trowa says that Heero can make it even if we unhook these machines."  
  
Duo gets a glean in his eye once again. "Get a good look Trowa. This is how you punched me." _I pull away feeling for the growing pulse. Heero's breathing again and as long as he's breathing he's alive. I pass my free hand across his lips. My first kiss _Duo punches the doctor in the stomach. He makes a sound and collapses to the floor. "Well hope you remember sometime," Duo says to me.  
  
***  
We carry Heero back outside and take off back home. The doctor won't be telling on us, at least not for a couple of hours, in which we'll be gone already. The others leave me to Heero, I guess Duo was right when he said Quatre and Wufei knew too. I brush the hair away from his face admiring the finely chiseled features. I am reminded of the countless times before that I did this the last time he was in my care.  
  
"Come on Trowa, we're back!" Duo called. Really? That went fast, the whole time I could not tear my eyes from his face. I carefully pick Heero up, his light body like putty in my arms. Laying Heero onto the bed his warmth is immediately missed. My eyes linger a bit more before I turn away. I must prepare for the long wait.  
  
*** For the readers! I did not write a part for this two-month period to save you all from boredom and to save this fic from becoming obscenely long. Now for those of you saying let's get to the good part (lemon) it's almost here. ***  
  
_Explosions rocket all around me as I search wildly for Heero. I run around, where did he go? Where? "Trowa! Trowa!" my name is called out from all directions. No where to go, I stand still. Right before the falling bomb hits the ground next to me I hear, "Trowa wake up!" _  
  
I snap awake immediately finding myself staring face to face with Heero. I realize I missed his eyes, I missed him. The incredible longing that I had somehow overlooked was there and I held back the urge to tackle him then and there. Heero is still tired looking but appears refreshed. The two months took a toll on me, however. I was more haggard with an uncleanly aura around me. "Heero" I whisper. The intensity of his gaze had not lessened and I felt like was drowning again. If this too is a dream never wake me up, I think. Reaching out to grasp Heero's face I cup it in my hands. He only stares hopefully back at me. "You survived again."  
  
"I guess it wasn't time for me to die." Heero said back. His hand reached up and swept aside my hair. "You should take a shower."  
  
"Are you sure you'll be okay?" I ask standing.  
  
"I'm not going anywhere." Heero said.  
  
Following Heero's advice I shower. Feeling refreshed too, I also feel energized. Is it the air? I glance at Heero and see he has recovered nicely. He had taken most of the bandages off his body, the wounds having healed. He is in bed sleeping. As I go by to sleep on the floor Heero shivers. Maybe I should warn him, I think. Crawling next to Heero I know there is an ulterior motive but won't admit it to myself.  
  
***  
The next morning I awake holding Heero in my arms. He's lovely; I could stare at him for the rest of my life. "Good morning Trowa." Heero turns in my arms. He stares up at me.  
  
"Hello" I whisper back, not wanting to break the silence just yet. An angel is all Heero could ever be. "Heero what do you think of Duo?" I ask suddenly, my thoughts had turned that way and I determined that I must know if I had lied to Duo or not. "You don't remember?" Heero looked up at me. "I told you before that I only think of him as family and nothing more."   
  
"I don't remember a lot of things," I say longingly, glad that my intuition was right and that Heero did think of Duo so closely.  
  
"Do you remember our first kiss?" Heero asks, imploring me to remember.  
  
"Yes" I describe the time I kissed him, the time he died, the time the miracle of life happened.  
  
"Well why don't we try it again since you don't seem to remember the time I remember. It can be OUR first kiss." Heero pushes up to kiss me and quickly we are both aroused. Perhaps since it has been so long since Heero and I have last kissed we are so energetic. They graze each other since we are sitting close to each other. Heero shivers again but this time it is from sensation. Heero is slightly smaller so I roll onto my back, at the same time letting my guard down.  
  
Heero's tongue plunges into my mouth searching and feeling around. I grasp his back pressing him closer. He withdraws gasping, drawing in ragged breathes. Don't die on me now, my fear unbidden, comes back. But his heartbeat is strong and his actions sure. His mouth works itself on my neck mouthing everything sending me to a living heaven. His tongue darts around my neck, teasing me, arousing me to certain heights never obtained before. I pull his head back up, my lips a waiting his, ready. Again we kiss and again he plunders my mouth. From the worries of hell to the pleasures of heaven I am taken, casting all inhibitions away.  
  
Heero suddenly pulls away. "Let's hurry up." The fierce look in his eyes appears almost predatory and I shall value it forever. He quickly strips my pajamas off and attends to my urgency. My panting echoes around but I did not hear it, for the sensations overwhelmed me. _Beautiful music floats around the room and the flute I play enchants me. Quatre's own music is unique for the violin is a wonderful instrument. Our combined music sends excitement coursing through me. _Heero's mouth moves over me as he works up and down. I can feel myself blanking out and then refocusing. My hips force themselves up into Heero's mouth. I must be hurting him but I cannot stop. Heero continues swirling his tongue around me erection, never the less. I pause on the bed and one last time I push up, spreading my seed in his mouth. Heero strives to swallow it all, letting some coat his lips. I am no where near exhausted and when Heero kisses me yet again I lick off his lips eagerly. A salty taste, so much like the sea breeze, mixes with my saliva.  
  
"Your turn now," I whisper in Heero's ear when he appeared to hesitate. I bite at his ear, nipping it. I carefully take of the last of Heero's clothing, his boxers [2] His erection pops up in its full glory. I smile at him in warmth. Heero is very much alive, no where near death.  
  
"Are you sure you want this?" He asks with care. Some of his wounds are opened again and bleeding.  
  
"Only if you want to." I say, reaching to touch one of the open ones.  
  
"Don't mind those." Heero begins to kiss in assurance while reaching for a nearby drawer, pulling out lubrication. I must have missed that drawer earlier so did not see it. He opens it and applies some to his fingers.  
  
"Get ready," Heero warns. He pushes his finger in and white searing pain passes me by. _Slap! Catherine's hand whips across my face _The second finger enters _Don't you think you should stop to think about others first?" Catherine yelled. _The third finger enters. _"Stop being so selfish." Her voice cracks and the tears fall. "Did you ever stop to think about us?" _Heero's lips kiss the back of my head as a single tear squeezes itself out of my eyes. "I told you it was going to hurt." He says as he withdraws his fingers. "Do you still want to go through with this?  
  
"You can't have pleasure without pain," I say back, trying to brace myself for the initial impact, from there I would manage to dull out the pain. For Heero, I remind myself.  
  
Heero pushes himself inside of me, carefully and slowly. My own member had sprung back up and the slowness made me impatient. The dull pain is there but I ignore it and as Heero moves I grab the sheets holding on, as if I am being pulled away by some unknown force. Is this reality? Or am I dreaming? Is that really Heero? Who who am I? Trowa. No. Nanashi.   
  
Heero's thrusts grow rougher by the second and suddenly time seems to freeze. Heero's thrusts can not reach any deeper repeatedly hitting my sweet spot. Each time a form of electricity is jolted upon me, wave upon wave drowns me in pure pleasure. _Heero's soft gaze opens for the first time in months. A vision of innocence he looks at me. _I too am near my climax as Heero becomes more urgent. _"How long has it been?" He asks, the voice shaky due to the weeks of unuse. "Three months" I reply. _Heero stiffens a warning to me. _"Three months too long. "Heero says pulling me closer and we share a kiss. _One last thrust and we come, Heero then me. The unique feeling of him within me was enough to bring me crying out loud. _Breaking away he whispers, "I love you." And a feeling of joy, one I have never felt before, over takes me. _Heero pulls out from me; his tender kisses and brushes give me a bliss I never knew existed. "I'll always be there for you koi." Heero whispers. A hole opens and suddenly floods my mind, heart, and body with memories. I can I can remember.  
  
"I love you." I whisper gently.  
  
"I love you too, Trowa Barton." He says back.  
  
My face clouds, remembering. "That's not my name."  
  
"Who cares about names anymore?" He says nuzzling.  
  
My hands travel gently probing some of his wounds. "We shouldn't have done that."  
  
"I would rather bleed to death that miss out on that." Heero states.  
  
"But still"  
  
"I've told you several times by now. Act on your emotions Trowa."  
  
"Okay." I say and kiss him. My hidden wings are finally free and I can fly. Fly strait into Heero's arms. The past that has been haunting me for so long finally is whole, but at the same time I set it aside. Heero is right; act on your emotions, life is so precious. My emotions tell me that it's time to start a new. I've finally broken the chains.   
  
1: Those screeches are Relena's  
2: Or briefs?  
  
  
Quite long ne? Well C&C please!~ Can never get enough! Was the lemon that bad? I sorta inserted it out of no where huh*flashes V-sign* You got through the fic! Good for you. Now maybe you should take a nap *sweatdrops*   
  
Chichi~  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Protector of Heero's one true love  
Healer of Heero's wounds  
Owner of the bathhouse in the Shinigami Temple  
Official Caretaker of Heero's guestroom in the Temple of the Shinigami Cult  
Proud member of the SACBHY  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The Touch of a Feather, a GW page:   
http://www.geocities.com/chichi894 


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